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A recent study found the average
golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether
or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the
death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his
pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No
I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed
the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was
dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's
brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out
practicing law somewhere."
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up
from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband
awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was
wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got
remarried." she asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get
remarried?" he said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my
life lonely." then she asked "well would you two live in this
house?" he replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our
mortgage." she asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in
this bed?" he snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is
brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it." she
asked irately, "well would she use my golf clubs?" he replied
with a straight, serious face "no. She's left handed."
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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