Real, True and Un-exaggerated Rules of Golf
Church Bulletin Bloopers...
Sayings that should be on buttons...
Things to Ponder...
The Meaning of Life...

Headlines from America...
One Liners and Musings...
Frequently Asked Questions about HMOs...
Facts of Life...
In Case You Didn't Know...
If You're Considering a Name Change...
Funny Bumper Stickers...

 

Real, True and Un-exaggerated Rules of Golf

1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a
much earlier age.
2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually
the beginning of the next group of three.
4. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down
again at exactly the moment when you ought to continue watching the ball if
you ever want to see it again.
5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
7. Never try to keep more than 30 separate thoughts in your mind during
your swing.
8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one
more club or two more balls.
9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome
ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately
shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball
halfway there.
10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas
about the golf swing.
11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of
the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all
your errors.
12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like
expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
19. It's not a gimme if you're still away.
20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a
straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the
way you meant to play it.
22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90%
of  the time.
23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two
triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to
lay up just short of a water hazard.

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Church Bulletin Bloopers...

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

  1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
  2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer
  6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
  10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
  11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
  13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
  14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  16. Ushers will eat latecomers.
  17. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
  18. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
  19. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
  20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  21. Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy!"
  22. The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
  23. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  24. Ladies don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
  25. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
  26. "Wise Up, O Men of God"
  27. Easter Sunday, we will have a 9:30 worship service. The 11:00 will be hell as usual.
  28. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
  29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
  30. The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  31. The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  32. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
  33. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  34. The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.
  35. Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
  36. The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
  37. Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine - Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
  38. Small typographical error seen in the church's bulletin: "The May meeting of the church finance committee will be hell as usual."
  39. Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."
  40. The Correspondence Committee will assist with the mailing of the newsletter and stapling of the Annual Report to congregational members.

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.Sayings that should be on buttons...

 

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Do I look like a freakin' people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You! Off my planet!

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of.self-control.

Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put.shoes on my cat.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

And just how may I screw you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Better living through denial.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets.after them.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't.fallen asleep yet.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

Adults are just kids who owe money.

One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!

Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Too may freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

You look like shit. Is that the style now?

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you.touch me?

I plead contemporary insanity.

And which dwarf are you?

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

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Things to Ponder...

  If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you  get a Philip's Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your   two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to  begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a  person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make  terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English  language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow  that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,  models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion  stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall  has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does  he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from   Holland called "Holes?"

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The Meaning of Life...

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

* He who hesitates is probably right.

* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

* The softness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness  of the bread.

* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is  research.

*To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your  principles.

* Two wrongs are only the beginning.

* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried  before.

* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

* A fool and his money are soon partying.

* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

* Always try to be modest. And be darn proud of it!

* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....

* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!

* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

* Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

* Guests who kill talk show hosts -- On the last Geraldo.

* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

* Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

* Half the people you know are below average.

* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

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Headlines from America...

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
22. Dog Bites Lower this Year
23. War Dims Hope For Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

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One Liners and Musings...

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

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Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient's complaints could be treated effectively with a firm, two-fingered poke in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same: you no longer consider the original health problem to be so annoying after dealing with these other, distracting annoyances.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan two years ago at the time the book was prepared. These doctors fall into two basic categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry-the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap.

My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

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Facts of Life :

1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. If you have 3 friends who are OK, then you're it.

6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

7. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

11. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

12. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

13. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

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 In Case You Didn't Know...

  •   If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

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IF YOU'RE CONSIDERING A NAME CHANGE...

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it’s the ‘90’s!, he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark’s brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale,she’d be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (I really had to think about this one to get it!)

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

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FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* All generalizations are false.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
* Born free...Taxed to death.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* i souport publik edekashun.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
* Dorothy --- Hate Oz, took the slippers, find your own way home. --- Toto.
* I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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