True and Un-exaggerated Rules of Golf
1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. 2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental. 3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. 4. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to continue watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. 5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all. 6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. 7. Never try to keep more than 30 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. 8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. 9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. 10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. 11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors. 12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip. 13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie. 14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. 15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck. 16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10. 17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. 18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. 19. It's not a gimme if you're still away. 20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. 21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it. 22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time. 23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. 24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.TOP
Church Bulletin Bloopers...
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a freakin' people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You! Off my planet!
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of.self-control.
Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put.shoes on my cat.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
And just how may I screw you over today?
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Better living through denial.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets.after them.
Adult child of alien invaders.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't.fallen asleep yet.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
Adults are just kids who owe money.
One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
You look like shit. Is that the style now?
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you.touch me?
I plead contemporary insanity.
And which dwarf are you?
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The softness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
*To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be darn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
* Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
* Guests who kill talk show hosts -- On the last Geraldo.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
* Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient's complaints could be treated effectively with a firm, two-fingered poke in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same: you no longer consider the original health problem to be so annoying after dealing with these other, distracting annoyances.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan two years ago at the time the book was prepared. These doctors fall into two basic categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry-the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap.
My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. If you have 3 friends who are OK, then you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
11. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
12. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
13. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
In Case You Didn't Know...
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, shed be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, shed be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, shed be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! its the 90s!, hed be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, shed be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, shed become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, shed be Bea Sting. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, shed be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, hed be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, hed be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., hed be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quarks brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, hed be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale,shed be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (I really had to think about this one to get it!)
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, hed be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, hed be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."